So, last night the doorbell rang, the dog was losing his flipping mind, and I realized I should totally install a peephole in the front door. Sometimes I’m curious about who’s on the other side, but not enough to risk opening the door to find out. I get tired of the vacuum salesmen who offer me a four-pack of Charmin’ if I’ll just let them do their presentation.
Yes, I could totally use more shit tape to add to my cache, but I can get 24 rolls for like eight bucks, which means you’re offering me $1.33 to not only listen to an annoying presentation about a vacuum I don’t want, but to LET A STRANGE MAN INTO MY HOUSE.
Seriously, WTF are these people thinking? Does anyone actually take the bait?
Also? If it’s after dark and you haven’t called ahead of time, I’m not opening the door. There are too many crazies out there, and I don’t want to have to answer my door with a loaded handgun every time, so that door is staying closed.
Anyway. Back to the peephole. If I want to see who’s at my door without actually opening it, I currently have to peek through the front window blinds like a crackhead. So I was thinking, what if shit hits the fan and like a police officer comes to the door to tell me I need to evacuate and I don’t get the message because I think it’s the Jehova’s Witnesses and I don’t want to answer?
I was all set to go to Lowe’s and buy a peephole and a big ass drill bit when I started to think about it I realized that using a peephole after TEOTWAWKI is a surefire way to get yourself killed. I mean, think about it like this. You’re all bugged in, feeding on your stash of Cheetos and Twinkies and basically living it up. And then one day, someone knocks on your front door. You’re pretty sure it’s nobody you care to speak to, but curiosity gets the better of you. Suddenly, just as you press your piggy little eye up to the peephole, BANG! BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!
You’re shot right through your own front door. And then the shooter busts a window, climbs through, and suddenly *he’s* feasting on your Cheeto supply.
I’m serious, folks. It could happen.
So now, I’ve started thinking about other ways to keep tight surveillance on my front porch. I toyed with the idea of a camera system, but the minute the power goes out, you’re screwed. And then, I had an idea that borders upon genius. I need a fuckin’ parascope.
When I was a kid, we had this plastic periscope toy, and that thing was awesome. You could totally sneak up on someone to spy on them, and provided they were deaf enough not to hear the giggling, it would totally work. We used to sneak out of bed at night and use it to try to watch whatever my parents were watching on TV.
So I was thinking, if I could build a parascope and mount it into the front wall of the house, I could use that bitch to see who was at my door, without standing in front of the target zone myself. I Googled “How To Make a Periscope out of PVC Pipe” and discovered I’m not the only jackass who has thought of this! Literally, the third link that came up was about building a Periscope for your Bug Out Location. Damn, did I feel validated. Make fun of me now, assholes.
As an added bonus, any leftover PVC could be used to build a potato cannon which could be a good nonlethal weapon for home defense (the downside? launching your food supply 200 yards into the neighborhood).
Plus, I needed an excuse to huff PVC cement.